Welcome to "Through a Glass Darkly" - my blog about my service trip to Malawi, Africa.

I left Canada on December 30th for Blantyre, Malawi, AFRICA. I worked with Friends of Malawi Fellowship (FOMF), the organization headed by my aunt Phyllis Labrentz. I taught English language and literature, helping secondary high school students learn to read and write English well enough to pass the government exams.
During that time I was also kept busy teaching guitar, singing, and assisting my aunt.
I left Malawi on July 19th and returned to Canada on July 20th.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

MIDPOINT REFLECTION

Monday, April 9th marked the mid-way point of my journey:
102 days out of 203 days;
14 1/2 weeks out of 29 weeks;
3 months, 10 days out of 6 months, 20 days.
Am I counting? Oh, yes!

The small, visible signs that I'm half-way:
-My anti-malaria medication bottle is half-empty. I have to continue to take the medicine for 4
weeks after my return.
-My water purification tablets are long gone. I thought I could get more here but I was wrong.
Now I boil all of my water.
-January, February, and March are crossed off my calendar.


---------------------------------------
Highlights:

-Term 1:
Exams are completed. Term 2 does not officially begin until April 16th, although Forms 2 and 4
students are having some extra classes because they write the year-end government exams.

-Video project:
Last school year, S.C.O.M. (the Christian students' club) students had performed an original
drama titled, "The Only Way to Live." When they saw that I had a video camera, they approached me with a request to record their performance. I have gone a step further and made it into a movie. The DVD has just been completed this week. We will have the premier showing on a Friday afternoon this term.

-Guitar:
I've taught the school students the 12-bar blues. They've also learned the chorus to "It is Well
With My Soul", one of Malawi's favourite hymns. The church's music team has just begun lessons, and they are determined to learn as much as they can. Mark is particularly quick and can already change chords in rhythm for "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever". Students graduate and move on, but these church youth will carry on the teaching to others.

-Singing:
There are a core group of students who LOVE to sing. Many come, but a few are especialIy
committed, having a gift for music. I have had the pleasure of singing some duets with them.

-Baby Joseph:
My little godson (I named him--amazing!) is healthy and growing.


-Harry:
Wow. What do I say about Harry? He's had the stress of unpaid school fees removed from his
shoulders. He's had a lifelong physical problem finally addressed and diagnosed. Harry had his first surgery on March 26th. There is a second surgery scheduled for later in April. His sister's
family has had help getting through the stresses of miscarriage, unemployment, and the collapse of their house from heavy rains. Life is different for them than it would have been had I not had the means--thanks to donations--to give assistance at this crucial point in Harry's life.
--------------------------------------

Those are all external things.
What of the internal journey I've been on?

-Loneliness:
This has without question been the most difficult thing to deal with. Being separated from my
husband/best friend, Marty has been almost more than I've been able to bear some days. I'm a family person first and foremost, so not being part of the lives of my children (Jesse, Mike/Grace, Rachel) and my grandchildren (Seth, Xander, Liam) has been agony at times. The support of my family and friends (through prayer, Facebook, email, and a few cards)  is the penultimate reason I haven't given up and come home early. Well, and also because I really hate to quit or give up! I was raised to honour my commitments, even if it's difficult. FOMF is not a big organization with a large Canadian staff. Here there is my aunt/mum (Rev. Phyllis Labrentz, and the only non-African), and there is the business manager. Then there is the principal and the school staff (also all Africans). I'm the foreigner, the visitor. There's no expatriate community to socialize with, no missionary coffee group or anything else like that. It's just my aunt and me.

-Culture differences:
It's a COMPLETELY different world here.


The chronic shortage of forex (foreign exchange) has created lack of fuel, medicines, and
even electricity. Each day the mental checklist is: Is there power? water? petrol? The days with all three in attendance are in the clear minority. There has been some political unrest, though not as serious as some of the news services (with their political biases) would make out. Keep in mind the recent histories of most African countries as you consider this: Malawi has never had a war. They are a peace-loving people, extremely reluctant to engage in conflict.

Security issues prevent me from going for walks. Most houses are surrounded by high brick walls with either barbed wire or broken glass on top. Walking the lane to the main road is like walking down a blind back alley. As is the case in most developing countries, non-Africans are assumed to be rich. Being both "white" and female makes it dangerous for me to be out alone. Thievery is rampant here. The fuel shortage makes just getting into town a challenge, let alone sightseeing. Hopefully I'll get to visit a few places of interest before it's time to leave.

Note: President Mutharika of Malawi died suddenly of a heart attack last week. The country is in an official 10 day mourning period. The funeral is scheduled for April 23rd. Arnold says that Blantyre will soon be crowded with out-of-country dignitaries that will come for the ceremonies. Malawi now has its first female president (the 2nd in Africa and the 1st in southern Africa), Mrs. Joyce Banda. She is a Christian woman, owner of a private school, and an advocate for girls' rights to education. The entire country is feeling a tiny breeze of hope that the pressures of daily living may soon ease just a little.
------------------------------------------

COPING

How do I cope?
I take it day by day. I try to get extra sleep, because fatigue negatively affects emotions. I
pray--a lot. I journal every day. Of course, checking in online with friends and family helps immensely to keep me feeling somewhat connected to my life back home. I thank God for technology such as Skype!

-----------------------------------

Back in Canada, FOMF has a board and a secretary (Ruth Martz) who all volunteer their time. Overhead is extremely low, with virtually every dollar spent on the work here. If you are looking for a worthwhile and trustworthy organization that is helping the young and disadvantaged, then FOMF would greatly appreciate your help. I hope that some of YOU will become monthly supporters.

FRIENDS OF MALAWI FELLOWSHIP (FOMF) AFRICA
Box 33042, Glenwood P0
Edmonton AB   T5P 4V8
Email:
rmartz@shaw.ca
                                             

Saturday, March 31, 2012

PSALM 143

DEPRESSION PRAYER
(paraphrase of Psalm 143: David's prayer)


1
Hear my prayer oh Lord. Please listen to my plea! Please, answer me out of Your rightness and Your faithfulness.
2
And please don't judge me for my weakness,  for in Your sight, no one would be acquitted.
3
For the enemy has been hunting and attacking my soul; he has crushed and stomped me to the ground to destroy me; he has forced me to live in a dead place.
4
That's why my spirit has been overwhelmed and barely breathes; my heart aches so much I can barely move.
5
I remember better days. I think about so many wonderful things You did. I study, and I marvel at Your creation.
6
I lift my hands and beg You for help. Yes, I desperately need You, like land that needs  water or it will die. I need Your rain on my soul, or else I will die.
7
I need your answer SOON because my spirit is fading away. Please, answer me. If You don't, I may die--inside and out.
8
When I wake up in the morning I need to hear that You love me. Make it so, dear God. I'm depending on You. I've trusted You for more than 40 years now. You are my ONLY hope. Show me--tell me--what to do each day. I'm giving myself to You as a daily offering. Tell me--I'll do it.
9
Deliver me from Satan and his fallen angels. Save me. Help me escape their torment. I RUN to You to escape. Hide me from them.
10
Teach me to do what You want. SHOW me how, I beg You. You are my God and I want to please You. I know that You are GOOD above all. So, because I know You are good, please lead me. Show me the way. Walk with me to that place where emotions level out and the pit is filled and leveled. Bring me into a level country: the land of uprightness; the land of goodness.
11
Save me for Your name's sake. Don't let me die in this hole of blackness. Bring my life out of this trouble. Free me from this torment and distress.
12
Be merciful to me, dear God. Be kind to me. Cut off my enemies. Destroy all the demons who afflict, oppress, and torment my soul.
I am Your servant.
------------------------------------------------------------------------


2 Corinthians 12:9

He said to me,
"My GRACE (loving-kindness, favour, & mercy)
is enough for you;
for My STRENGTH & POWER
are fulfilled & completed
& show themselves most effective
in your weakness."
Therefore, I will all the more
gladly glory in my weaknesses & infirmities,
that the strength & power of CHRIST may rest--
yes, may pitch a tent over & dwell on me.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

EXAM MARKING MADNESS

Well, I can finally say, "It is FINISHED." The marking marathon is FINALLY over. High school English exams--ESL--what a job! But--it's over.



The weight of pile means everything is compressed --
no empty spaces!

With my thumb at the bottom
I can just reach the top of the pile.



We did everything we could to cut down on copying:
reducing font sizes and spacing,
double columns, double-siding.
Plus, students mostly used their small paper from their notebooks for their answers.

ACCIDENT REPORTS

Students' Assignment:
Write an accident report. Include the indicated information.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Assignment:
1. What were the required details?
2. What parts were students' "creative license"?
3. What aspects of Malawian life/culture are reflected in 
      their writing?
4. Do you have a favourite? (I do!) Which one, and why?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CAR ACCIDENT
     It was on Thursday when I left home, going to a friend’s house, this was when school session was over for that day. And I decided to go and see my friend who had just arrived from Lilongwe the day before.
     When I was on my way to my friend’s home, which is a few kilometres from my home, I thought of taking a long route so that I should also see somebody. Then I come into a road which leads to a nearest town, this was the place where people run small businesses. At that time the road seem not to busy I check both directions and there was no any car that approaching, then I cross unfortunately before taking my last step off the road, I felts something with shock.
     It was in the afternoon around 4 and 5 o’clock, at that time people were moving in their numbers because some of them were coming back from their working places Others were students who were still coming from different schools and some were business men and women who run their businesses around the area.
     I was taken to the nearest government hospital where doctors took me to an Emergency room and they carry on an operation on my left leg of which at that time was bleeding, I felt much pain on my leg. After some time the doctors finished the operation and put me on a wheelchair and took me to a ward where I was given a bed.
     They issued a report in which they write the condition of my leg, they said the bones were just dislocated and that it will be fine but I should be using walking stick, they also said that I should be visiting the doctors after every three week for check up.
     The car that run onto me was not in good condition basing on reports that its break were not well functioning and that it was overloaded with maize bag and cassava in addition that that the driver was drunken.
     That was how this accident occur on this fateful Thursday in my life.

REPORT ABOUT THE ACCIDENT
     It was Saturday morning when I was going to the market then I bought my relish and when I was trying to cross the road a car stunned and it gave me a light and I could not be able to see then upon walking unknowingly I heard something coming to hit me.
     At this time, I was thinking of crossing very fast then a car hit me. I fell down with my leg broken but it was not a serious injury, it was a closed fracture. When I felt down, I feel some pain in my leg and I shouted for help.
     At this time, it was in the morning because I was buying relish for the day and my relatives were waiting then I had to run fast.
     The driver ran away he thought I had a serious injury and as some people were passing by the helped me to get up and took me to the hospital. The doctor said it was not a serious injury by it was a fracture of close that was just a little bit cracked and they gave me a best description on how I should take care of it to get better and gave me medicine.
     The car that hit me was not so scarce but its colour was blue. Its kind was a starlet and its seats would be occupied by four people and its number plate was BQ 4269 with a small tyre in front. Its appearance was so impressive and it was in high speed like it was chased by something. The driver was a bald-headed man who wore a black shirts and black specs. When he hit me he came and see if am okay when he head I was screaming he ran away he went towards the north side of the area. The market people were very frightened when they saw I was hit. In the car there were two women at the back and two old men in front all of them were singing louder and their lives looked like was filled with joy.
     I will be happy if the people are found because they looked like they were drunk and were smoking too.


ACCIDENT
     I’m a girl of 16 years old, I am in form 3 at Kings Victory Academy, I live at Chirimba.
     It was on 15th of March when I was going to school, I took Likhubula road, it is a busy road but I was walking following the rules by walking on the left hand side, it all happened when I was just passing Dovic hotel, I was only walking by the time.
     The time was five minutes past 7 morning, they were students going to school everywhere, because this is the time students like going to school.
     I was walking slowly, behind me was a little boy about 10 years, and two other girls, in flont [front] of us was coming a car at over speed which was overtaking a mini-bus, without knowing another car was in flont [front] of it, unfortunately the car turn to our position and hit the four of us. The two girls were seriously injured. But the boy died there, I jumped quickly but I didn’t make it. I broke a bone but had no other serious injuries.
   I can describe the car it went away after the accident but still I can describe it, its number plate was RU 7295, it was coloured blue and red, it was a hip-sum, it was not tinted, inside was red chairs and a ball in flont [front], it went to Chirimba position.  


CAR ACCIDENT
     The accident occurs at the Robert Mugabe’s road, where the driver was running away from a pedestrian. The pedestrian was not following the procedures, while walking along the street.
     When the accident was happening I was constructing the road. the road was full of potholes. The government ask us to fill the pothole, so that accident can be few. The Robert Mugabe’s road is the road which is not in a good condition, as the result the people’s with their vehicle’s were failing to use the road because of its bad condition.
     The accident occurs in the morning and it was about 7:30. Duling [during] this time the road was used by many vehicles. Because most of people were running from schools with their children, and others were going to their works. In the morning the Robert Mugabe’s road is the busiest road.
     Because the one car bounce of out of it posion [position], the vehicle immediately run and broke my leg. This time it takes some hour for me to be survive because I was found under the car that’s why it was difficult for the people to take me out under the car. When they try to take me out, they were pushing me, as a resut the injury was increased And I had a dislocation of a joint on my leg.
     The car that was involved in this kind of accident it was a Pajelo and it was in read in colour. but during the accident its number blate [plate] bloke [broke] out and the car also have lot of clashes [scratches] on its paint. Its number blate in flont [front] is indicated on the big mirror glas in front because during the accident it break. And its number is BT 3231 written Black in colour and in BLOCK letters.


TO THE POLICE
     On behalf of all staff or members of the police I write a report about the accident which occured along Zalewa road. It was on the morning when I was going to school on that day, I was with my friends going to school but when I was crossing the road I saw the bus on a higher speed and he hit me. On that way all my friends they both run way because they were the one that saw it. On that time we were going to school, Our school is along the road that is also the problem, but the head of that school has already go to the road council to tell them to put the zebra crossing but they didn’t do it. That’s another problem that causes more accident. On that day it was Monday morning when I was going to school. on the accident I was shocked because I didn’t know what was doing, and when people see that they call the ambulance and immediately they come and took me to the hospital on that time the whole body of me was filled with blood everywhere though all the school uniform that I wear was looking like were red cloth because of blood that was on that. When we go there, I mean to the hospital the doctors say that I have a very big serious injury that I receive on that accident but the big one is on my legs. Because on the first the car was hited me on the legs cause of that time I was even failing to walk though I hited by a car I have also some problems that also caused me problems like I have a problem of headache but when the accident occurred its like its more and more not same like that caused me to not hear some people talking mean when they are talking. But also the doctors says. Inside of my body my bone are broken that’s another problem. On that the car was a Bus was going to Lilongwe but the driver was a small man, we people we our companies we must or should take the old man to be our concerns that is good because the old ones they should drive people slowly and slowly but when we take small ones they drive on a higher speed in order to go there fast that is not good and also they drived us when they drink or smoke that is not good because we should loose so many people’s life on that. That cause accident. Also but the car has all that is needed the car to have when they are in the roads.

REPORT TO THE POLICE A BOUT THE ACCIDENT
     I was in the bus when the Accident occurred on the main road near bridge of Deka what happened is that, There was a track and minibus on one side These two cars there were coming From Lilongwe going to Blantyre. So min bus want to took overtake truck knowing that on the Front of them. National bus company on there high speed From Blantyre to Lilongwe and hit each other.
     One accident I was who saved the life’s of people in the bus. Because I have injured but not had I broke the window which called on the accident broke this window and come out one bus because this bus was about to make Fire but only smoke Just come out. I was received young children on the window and those who fail to walk because of bad injuries.
     It was around 4 P.M. when the accident occurred but I was not exactly 4 it was something to 4. On this accident so many people injured. Some they are lost blood, some they are just broke their bones, leg, hands and the people who have died on the same sport a woman. Four girl and 3 kids some they are not even to move so we took them to the hospital. The car as I have already say that it is a National bus company and the high roof mini bus. This is my report thank you.

THE CAR ACCIDENTS
     I would like to report on the car accidents that occurred in Chipembere highway in Blantyre, The accidents happens in the afternoon around five o’clock.
     In the car there was twenty passengers, these people they are  came from Lilongwe going to Limbe depot, when they reach in Dedza the driver overspeed and many people try to ask them to reduce the  speed but the driver never listen about that, many were started crying.
     When they reach in Chipembere highway in Blantyre. It’s when the accidents takes place, many people were injured but there is no people died. The accidents takes place in the afternoon around five o’clock. Those people who injured are now in Queen Elizabeth central hospitals in Blantyre.
     When the car accidents happens, the people call them the police in Blantyre. When the police received the message they came immediately to search and to know what makes the accidents to occur. They find out that the driver was drunk bear, and smoking chamba. So they took the driver to the police station to discuss about that issue.
     The police also found that the driver was overloading many people. They allow to sit in the chair about five people instead of three. That’s why that makes people to injured.
     In addition, many people lose their property, other people they went to Lilongwe to bought a lot of things for their Business so when accidents happens they too last a lot of money, so they ask Malawians to contribute money for transport in order to reach their homes. Those people who injured now are getting well. We may thanks God for that gracious life for that accidents to find that there was no other died people.
     After all, the driver charged fifty thousand kwacha or go for imprisonment, so the driver failed to pay that money now the driver is in prison.
     The police are now advising those people who are driving minibus or any type of car. You need to take carefully when you are driving you need to avoid smoking, drink bear, overloading, overspeeding and any other problems you need to listen and follow the rules and regulations on the Road Safety Council.

CAR ACCIDENT
     It was 9 am when I found myself in Mulambe hospital after being hit by the car at Chemusa super market. I didn’t know what happen and where am I until I was told by my nephew who escort me to the market.
     As the car was coming I did not know anything, at this time I was buying airtel credits [phone cards] from one of the vendors who park themselves behind the roads. To noticed a car which was at that of rate speed was quite difficult because the market was experiencing great noisy condition from bars which were located randomly.
     I got wonder how could a car hit me like that hence the weather was clear, in fact it wasn’t raining. Two, three question come in my mind but who can tell me while I am alone.
     I feel sorry for myself because the car broke my left side leg. It doesn’t please me because I was expected to score much as I could because the team depend on me. Even my coach was furious after receiving the bad news like this. Indeed I was not happy for all this.
     I couldn’t even manage to check the number plate of the car because at that time I was only sobbing not necessary that I was feeling pain no but to feel sorry for what my leg has just committed. I only look at the ugly back of it [the car] and the colour, it was black in appearance ugly in ride though it sees like it had more passengers that the normal car could afford to have. To look at the car it was like it hits me again and again so I didn’t pay much attention on that stupid car together with careless driver of it. To say the truth I hate all of what happen at that occasion.
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Saturday, March 24, 2012

THIS'N'THAT

Two cockroaches.
When they get really big, you don't see them until they come out of hiding to die on their backs.
FYI: No, I didn't squish them. I found them dead.


Traffic circle. Give way.


Good deal!



Living Waters Church, near Mt. Soche in Blantyre.

Mum is at the top of the stairs. Arnold is at the bottom.





Big church: I needed three shots to get the whole thing.







Seating for over 1000.
About 600 or so were there when we visited last Sunday.
Mum and I were the only "pale" ones.




1/4 of the Praise Team




Mt. Soche (so'-chee)
This is the view from Living Waters Church.




First practice for guys from little Likhubula church.



Mango tree in our back yard, losing some of its leaves.



 
Rainy day. You can see my bedroom window open.




 
The eucalyptus trees bent waaaay over in the wind.



Good drainage.

"You shop, we drop"

Must see what's in here someday.

No way that dog lives in Malawi.



Monday, March 19, 2012

MIRACLE #2

My printer is getting some serious TLC from the angels!

It's exam time, so that means multiple hundreds of copies to
make. The big photocopier went on the fritz last Wednesday, so we've has to switch to using my little printer that I brought with me. We're on the last cartidge already (I brought three), and this morning the printer was making blank streaks in the center after the first 100 copies. Arnold was taking the cartridge out, shaking it, and putting it back in to get a few more copies--but then it quit completely.

Out of toner: what to do? So Arnold laid hands on it and prayed for it. He put it back in the printer--and it's now registering as FULL.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

NEW JOURNAL

I began a new journal yesterday. I decided to start it with a review of the one I had just finished filling with the last 6 months of my life. Here are the highlights.

 KEY VERSE
For my light, momentary affliction
(this slight distress of the passing hour)
is ever more and more abundantly preparing
and producing and achieving for me
an everlasting weight of glory (beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all expectations,
comparisons, and calculations,
a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness
never to cease!)--
Since I consider and look not
to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen;
for the things that are visible are temporal
(brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible
are dealthless and everlasting.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Sept/11-Mar/12 Review

A. Events
  1. Major life changes: job, mission
  2. Miracle of the resurrected printer: I killed it--but it WORKS!
  3. Grandbaby #4 is on the way <3
  4. I named my first little godson: Joseph Kandengenda <3
 
B. Life Learnings
  1.  I am more positive than I used to be--far more. The  abundance of Scripture in my journalling is a key. 
  2. God will not allow others to give me the comfort that I should be asking from HIM.
  3. I need to enjoy the journey. Live in the now, not the later. I need to be happy, smile, and not waste today. I need to be satisfied TODAY.
  4. If the "spy ratio"  (Israelites' report after investigating the promised land) holds true for modern-day followers of God, then it's 10 to 2 for unbelief. THAT'S why so much evil goes unchecked, and not enough good is done. Oh, for Christians to turn the belief ratio from 20% to 80% and WALK in their faith! This world would be a different place. Malawi would be a different country.
  5. FATIGUE IS MY ENEMY.
  6. I need to learn to REFUSE to let Satan's attacks upset
  7. me. I have to remember to immediately ask God for help: after all, this too shall pass.
  8. Commitment over comfort. I made a promise (so deal
  9. with it, as they say).
  10. I am learning how to get through trials with a good
  11. attitude (constancy of emotion). It is a work in progress.
  12. I will get better at praying pre-emptively re: my weak
  13. spots. I am not unaware of the enemy's attacks--he knows my weaknesses at least as well as I.
  14. I will sow mercy generously, so I can reap a harvest of
  15. mercy (in the future) when I really need it.
  16. I am determined to learn a better response to rejection:  SHAKE IT OFF & MOVE ON.
  17. I am bearing my cross (the one we are all called to bear) of an unselfish life.

Who knew there would be such a steep learning curve?
 
 
 
What has God being doing in your life in the last 6 months?
Let's share the journey.
 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

MONITORING THE MONITORS

Well, we had a little excitement today.

It was about 1:00 in the afternoon. I was sitting outside on the khonde (kon'dee), marking exams.

Susie and Twyla, the twin dogs, suddenly jumped up and ran to look over the edge of the little hill in the backyard, growling and barking. Then James went running, throwing rocks at something that was moving along the wall near the gate at the bottom of the yard.

The two dogs ran toward James and then Susie attacked the intruder. It was a monitor lizard. She grabbed it by the neck and held it down. Then Susie picked it up around the belly and packed it up to the top of the yard. I thought she might be bringing it to Mum to show off what she'd done! But instead, she dropped it for her canine mum, Sarah, to inspect. Susie headed straight to the open office door to lie down.

The lizard was breathing still, albeit slowly. All the dogs went over and sniffed it, but none seemed least bit interested in finishing it off.

Arnold told James to go and get a shovel. James first pushed at it to see if it would run. When it didn't, he picked it up and packed it out of the yard.

I think that this monitor was probably the same one that I saw running through the maize outside our yard about a month ago. Arnold says that monitor lizards don't bite. They attack with their strong tail. They eat eggs. He heard of one that ate 21 eggs!

His own dogs killed a green mamba the other day. The snake bit one of his dogs, causing its leg to swell, but it recovered. I have not seen a single snake since that day at the school, by the way. I think Susie and the 6 other dogs have something to do with that.

And I hope it stays that way.




Monday, March 12, 2012

THE CROSS WE BEAR

I have felt a lie coming against me--that I'll return damaged emotionally, and that my relationships will be damaged. This morning I wept:
GOD!  I NEED YOUR STRENGTH BECAUSE THIS IS TOO HARD FOR ME!
If I'm going to last one more week I must be able to say like Jesus did, "Not my will, but yours be done.
I desperately need truth from Your WORD to fight this."

The page in my Bible where the 8th chapter of Mark is now has my tear-stains on it.

Mark 8: 34-37
And Jesus called to Him the throng with his disciples and said to them,
"If anyone intends to come after Me, let him deny himself [forget, ignore, disown, and lose sight of himself and his own interests] and take up his cross, and follow with Me.
For whoever wants to save his [eternal, spiritual] life, will lose it [the natural life which is lived only on earth]; and whoever gives up his life [which is lived only on earth] for My sake and the Gospel's will save it [his spiritual life in the eternal kingdom of God].
For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his life [in the eternal kingdom of God]? For what can a man give as an exchange for his [eternal] life?


Jesus told His disciples that it was necessary for Him to suffer. Jesus honoured what God his father said--no matter what the personal cost.

It seems much easier for me to listen to God when it doesn't cost too much.
And this mission is costing a LOT.


So in the book of Mark, it says that we ALL have to carry a cross. What is that cross?
OUR CROSS IS TO LIVE AN UNSELFISH LIFE.
Forget about myself.
Lose sight of my own interests.
Lay my life down if necessary for other people and the kingdom of God.

Something inside me cries, "WHAT ABOUT ME?"
God's answer: "I will take care of you, Inez."


Each act of my obedience is like a little seed that I plant.
I don't see any result now.
It just pains me to see it go into the ground, looking like a waste. 
And part of me fears that just maybe, I gave up the good that my life did have.


But I have to WAIT for the harvest.
And if I wait, I will have a harvest--later--of peace, joy, and blessing.

I hear God saying to me, "Inez, DON'T throw away your harvest. Please don't give up."

John 12:24-25
Jesus said, "I assure you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just one grain; it never becomes more.
But if it dies, it produces many others and yields a rich harvest. Anyone who loves his [temporal, physical] life loses it, but anyone who hates [has no love for] his life in this world will keep it forever and ever.
If anyone serves Me, he must continue to follow me [to cleave steadfastly to Me, conform wholly to My example in living and, if need be, in dying] and wherever I am, there will My servant be also.
If anyone serves Me, the Father will honour him.


So--there's a second kind of seed: my own life.
I also give myself as a seed.
I will not be afraid to trust God with myself.
I will give myself away, sow myself as a seed, and get ready to bear much fruit.


Jesus, I will serve You and continue to follow You, I will cling unwaveringly to You, conform wholly to Your example in living and, if need be, in dying. Wherever You are, I will be also. (John 12:26)
Not in my own strength--but only with Your strength in me.

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Not my will but Thine be done
Not my song but Your song be sung
Not my way but Your way I'll choose
In Your life my life to lose
(P. O'Rourke)

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